The gift of giving yourself space

Do you tend to be hard on yourself? Do you hear yourself saying things like: I must get more done. I have to try harder. I have to change how I am doing this.

For a long time, I have struggled with really strong emotions. These really strong emotions tend to overcloud any sense of good judgement and reason. It has taken me a while to see that these emotions are trying to tell me what I need and what is important to me.

For many years I have been really stressed and unhappy and unsure why. As an attorney, I used to think I had to finish the next course (even though I have two degrees already) to specialise further, get a master’s degree, earn more money, get promoted, listen to what other people tell me I need to be successful, work harder, work longer and earn more fees. More, more, more. Sometimes I still think these things, live these stories. I still think that I am not doing enough, that I am not enough. It is a cycle, a spiral, like those of a cycad…

It is really hard.

You may feel like you’re under constant pressure. You are fulfilling these expectations, reaching your goals, but you don’t feel fulfilled and can’t understand why. Maybe some of my ideas will help you. Please see that they’re just suggestions.

If you are aware of these ‘stories’, I think that’s great. It takes some self-reflection and awareness to come to know how we are speaking to ourselves. This in itself is a big step and I invite you to give yourself some credit, even if a way out is not yet clear.

What next, then?

I am curious, do you find these stories helpful?

Admittedly, these stories can be very helpful in situations where we have a deadline to meet, for example: work harder, produce more, make sure everyone is happy. Nothing wrong with that. For a while.

My intention here is not to encourage you to judge yourself. I judge myself, often. Why can’t I get it right? Why can’t people see what I am trying to do? What am I doing wrong? But, this just makes me feel worse most of the time.

And, when I am able to catch myself doing this, I try to give myself a moment. A pause. Ah. Here is judgement. Here is sadness. Here is discontent. I can see that I think I am doing it wrong. What is it I think I should be doing differently? I think I should be making sure everyone understands me. I should be doing what is expected of me. I should be working ten-hour days to earn high fees and get a promotion and a raise.

Then, I try to see that this judgment is ok. I try to accept it. Why? Because these judgmental things I say to myself are really just trying to help me achieve what is really important to me. They’re trying to keep me safe. If I have work and enough money, I have food in my mouth and a roof over my head.

Knowing this, I have started to see that there may be other ways to achieve what is important to me. First, I want to know what it is that I value in life, what makes me happy. This, in itself, was hard for me. I got so lost in doing what I thought I needed to do, doing what others said I needed to do to live a good life, that I forgot to keep track of what I want and what lights me up. Sure, that can change over time, but some things don’t.

I started my law degree because I thought it would support my love of horses. I thought I would be able to earn enough money to have horses, to pay for their livery, food, vet’s bills, training, equipment, etc. Funny thing is, horses don’t just need money. They need time and care. And so do I. Working long hours to earn loads of money doesn’t allow for any time and care. It does the very opposite. No horses. No happiness. What folly, teenage me.

The last year or two has been tough. I have been trying to relearn what it feels like to really enjoy life. It has been a bit like being lost on a path in the dessert, on a starless night, looking for the forest, the sea and a dark horse. I have been trying to figure out what makes me feel at home, in flow, really alive and connected with the world. I won’t go into depth about how to do this here. It takes some experimentation and patience, but it can be done and is a very rewarding process.

When you don’t know what you love, what lights you up in life, it can be really difficult to make decisions about what you want in life.

The thing here is to realise it. And to realise that it’s ok not to know. It’s ok to get lost.

First. Start with where you are. In the dessert. On a starless night. Alone.

So. It starts with acceptance. Accept where you are, now. Accept that perhaps you don’t really know where you are going. It’s ok that you are lost. And its ok that you have no idea where you are going.

Great. Sounds easy. It’s not. It’s really hard. It’s like falling off a horse. Hitting the ground is hard. It hurts. And often you feel mad, frustrated. You want someone to blame — the horse, usually. Here, the horse represents life. Life is telling us to try something different, because that way is not working. We stumble along the way. We find people to help us along the way.

Thing is, we already have everything we need within us already, to find our way in life. To continue with the metaphors: you have feet — keep moving: taking one step at a time. You have some energy (even if it is low) and strength: to fuel your steps. You have your eyes: to see the one lone star up ahead, in whatever form that might take — perhaps the people that guide you along the way, or spiritual guides. You have your hands: to make what you need — a coat, perhaps, to last the season. You have warmth: perhaps in the form of hope, that might grow as you continue along. And, by no means least of all, you have the courage and will power to keep getting up when you fall down and feel like all is lost. It’s down on the floor, where we feel defeated, that we can take a break, reassess our direction and strategy.

Thing is, it is easy to keep looking for the one answer. And, perhaps the answer lies in this way of thinking: that there is an answer. There are many. And, perhaps there are none. It’s up to us to figure out what we need, in these circumstances, right now.

Right now, the circumstances call for me to withdraw from the world. Covid-19 has called for us to stop in our tracks. And, while we can look to the light, look for the silver lining, I would argue that there is much to be found in the darkness. See what the frustration, sadness and/or anger at being stuck inside are trying to tell you. These emotions are hard to feel.

Can you be curious? Rest and time out give us the space to tune into our subconscious mind, which we are usually too busy to tap into. And, when the subconscious is given the time and space to speak through, we are more able to take the creative leaps we crave, to make shifts in perception and realisation.

Please let me know your thoughts on this. If you disagree. If you want to add to it. All welcome.